Fuck the Critics.

Today an armed man held up a service station and a bottle shop. I walked down that same street about half an hour later, completely oblivious to the fact. I sat in a coffee shop on that same street for two hours; wondering what the waitresses were all talking animatedly about. At that same time, a student was held up and by the man and his keys demanded from him. It scares me how easily my day could have turned from relatively simple and pleasant to a nightmare. It makes my stomach twist and throat throb.

Alice is twitching in her sleep beside me. I hope she is dreaming of something nice.

I know I want to say things today but I'm at a complete loss of where to start. People much smarter than me have been posting some very poignant blogs in the past few days which have really astounded me and forced me into really thinking about things. Some of them wonderful thoughts...some of them I'd rather not acknowledge. They are so without hope. So against humanity. I won't talk about them. I'll try and scoop the good ones out and ramble on about them.

For the moment I'll just post my favourite blogs of the week here and probably discuss them later on
Amanda Palmer:
http://blog.amandapalmer.net/post/20819422033/on-recording-marriage-and-the-problem-with-first#disqus_thread
Ashley Judd:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2012/04/09/ashley-judd-slaps-media-in-the-face-for-speculation-over-her-puffy-appearance.html

The hair on my head is growing nicely. It's still less than an inch long but I'm really not phased by it. I'm currently living by the philosophy that I'm not letting anyone think it's unattractive. I'm being confident and unapologetic about it and that seems to detract any negativity. It is just hair after all and I did raise a lot of money for an amazing cause so that's pretty hot in my books. Fuck anyone who thinks differently.

Amanda Palmer posted something on twitter so excellent Saturday morning this week that I had to screen capture it and post it to facebook too. Now it's on my blog (left). I also wrote it on my bathroom mirror. It deserves to be everywhere. What happened after that is history, somehow ending with a tumblr being created of all the people that had twittered in their armpits on a friday night. Seeing all those pits was fabulously inspiring. I actually came to the conclusion of doing it myself actually. Not shaving that is... Then my social concious reared it's ugly head and I was left horridly confused.

I then started to wonder how much of this social concious was formed by the people immediately around me that I cared about and how much was from the distant media and just my own head. I haven't let anyone really hate on my head and they haven't. I've had more compliments on my appearance from friends and strangers alike in the past month than I can remember in my lifetime. This gives me so much hope in a way...people will hopefully respect me regardless of what I do to my body. I was back on the beauty freedom
bandwagon.

I went to help with physics demonstrations today at uni and saw many staff I had not seen for the past month. They did not know that I had done the shave and didn't even recognise me. There was incomprehension on their faces as I tried to explain the Greatest Shave and my fundraising. Possibly even tinged with a little pity. One man I know rather well said with a snigger that he thought I was a boy. He followed the snigger with a quick apology. Hey, I don't care if people think I look like a boy. I'd be offended if someone likened me to cottage cheese but not something that I share pretty much all my basic DNA with.

Basically, I was surprised that some people in the physics department were the ones most shocked by me shaving my head. The people I know who seem to care about their appearance the LEAST were judging me. Maybe they just didn't understand the fundraising exercise?

After, I came to the realisation that just because they aren't following the beauty standards displayed in magazines, doesn't mean they don't follow rules. I think they are aware of how they look. How they reacted to my change of appearance made that obvious. The aim of the slightly socially inept: appear 'normal' and blend in as much as possible. This seems to be the trend amongst many of the hardcore science kids. It has been a long established fact in popular culture that nerds and geeks are unkempt: slightly unwashed, miscellaneous block colour shirt and a haircut so dull that cannot be described or commented on. Their aim is not freedom but invisibility-struggling over mere existence. Nerds are shown in the same way in mainstream media... their always the sweet, bumbling fools. The sidekick to the hero. Not enough substance for a leading role. Living in a shadow of obscurity and lack of self-expression. I couldn't imagine anything less empowering.

Fuck that. I can have imagination and learn quantum physics. I can wear a garter and stockings to my chemistry labs if I want to. Being a scientist and being a human being and being a scientist shouldn't be mutually exclusive. I'll do what I feel and make no apologies. No one can criticize what's done with confidence. I'll live how I want now because who knows when a man with a gun will hold me up in the street and demand my keys.

I have so much more to write about but maybe I'll do that when my brain is a little less mushy and more articulate. I finally got round to writing this at 2am. not the best start.

LOVE, x